I think I should be clear about “taking a break” from dating.
For me, that doesn’t mean no more dating for a period of time. It means, I am not actively and desperately looking at my dating apps every day trying to fill all my free time. I check my apps, see if there is anyone worth my time and move on if there isn’t. I send some messages and if I don’t connect or get a response, I just get on with my day. I am not expending any energy on the matter.
Looking for someone that meets my initial criteria isn’t always easy, I’m picky. Very picky. Especially about initial attraction.
So, taking a break is really much more like taking it slow and making better decisions.
And, sometimes I’m just bored.
That’s usually when trouble starts.
I was randomly checking my app one Friday when a decent guy popped up as a match. We started chatting quickly and he was appealing to me. Appealing includes: some physical attraction in his photo, over 6ft tall and intelligent conversation. We moved to text and decided we should try and meet. He was close by and, as it turned out, headed to the same location I was before heading home for the evening.
We had about 45 minutes to meet and see if we were interested enough to take it from there.
I had no kids for the night, I was bored and I agreed. A free drink is a free drink and literally wasn’t costing me any time or consuming any energy.
We met at a touristy dive bar and hit it off quickly. He was due to leave for a poker game, which is why we were time bound. The hour passed and we consumed several drinks rather quickly. Another hour passed. And, then, another.
We hadn’t had any dinner and the drinks were starting to take a sincere effect.
He was a sweet guy but I found out some things that made it immediately apparent he wasn’t for me, in particular he was still married and living at home. He claimed he was separated and in mediation and moving out at the end of the school year, but I decided quickly I wasn’t taking any chances with that. He was still using the pronoun “we” when he spoke about his wife, in fact, he still said “my wife” and his screen saver on his phone was his wife and family.
When I claimed I wasn’t sure if I believed he was actually getting a divorce he dove into his briefcase at the speed of light and out popped a wad of papers for his mediated agreement. He asked if I could take a look and I declined. Way too much info for me.
But here we were, having fun. And so it went.
I was the first date he was ever on in 15 years. We talked about his divorce and how he arrived there. I sounded like the voice of wisdom and experience compared to him. It was so strange to me to feel I had come so far. I explained I would be more than happy to be a divorce buddy for him but there was no chance we would be dating or fooling around. None. Zero. Absolutely not.
He admitted that he hadn’t had so much fun with a woman in so many years that said he would really appreciate if I could just have a fun night with him because he felt so comfortable with me. He was a nice guy, I didn’t want to say no, I was having fun myself.
Eventually we left one bar and made it to one of my favorites in the city. When we arrived, they dropped us in front of the small ice skating rink the hotel had set up for the winter months.
Drunk and laughing, we couldn’t resist. It was not pretty.
I don’t think I had been on skates in 10 years, never mind drunk and on skates.
In any case, we skated. Or he fell and I wobbled. Eventually we made it around the little rink a few times. I still have the bruises on my ass from the one fall I had.
The cold air had us sobered up a little bit and I had to order some food at this point. We made our way to the bar and I had some yummy west coast oysters but he didn’t eat. We also made the massive mistake of ordering an absolutely massive punch bowl that could put the worlds best drinker down.
Yea, that was the wrong thing to do. Absolutely the wrong thing. But, it was fun, that’s for sure.
We had been drinking and laughing for about 5 hours now and we were both quite done. In terms of the evening, it was still early because we had started right after work. He wanted to get a room and spend the night. I agreed. I wasn’t in great shape to attempt making it all the way home. We checked into the hotel.
I really didn’t have any intention of sleeping with him. None. I wasn’t even all that interested. He might have been fun, but he wasn’t for me and I was clear about that. But all my logical thinking goes right out the window when I drink heavily. So, of course our clothes came off.
Frankly, he was too drunk to perform properly. We tried a bit and then we both passed out naked.
My head was splitting in half by the morning. I could tell he was going to want to start again and I knew that it would be the wrong thing for me to do. I didn’t really care about the night before, but here in the daylight and sobering up, I knew I didn’t want to have sex with him. Telling him gently wasn’t going to be easy when I was naked and wrapped in his arms.
He nudged and I tried to remain still. I gave no indication I was interested. He nudged again, and again, and then asked. I gently replied “no” and explained I thought we had made the mistake of falling into bed the evening before and should just write it off to the alcohol. He pushed a little more and I politely asked him to stop or my words might turn unkind, and that wouldn’t be very nice. He understood.
We did have a little chat about what I was looking for in a relationship and I mentioned that I needed a leader in bed and was laughing at his reply …. “you are so sexy, I thought you would be able to teach me a thing or two, I would follow you anywhere!” Sweet, but certainly not the type of man for me!
As we dressed and readied to leave the hotel, he was very complimentary to me and we decided to go get some coffee together. He was easy enough to be with. He tried again to convince me (at the diner) to give him a shot, but I politely declined and apologized for my drunken behavior. It was weird but not entirely awkward.
He sent a text later that day to thank me and tell me how much fun he had and was appreciative that I was his very first experience after his marriage. I replied with a sweet thank you and didn’t give it another thought.
I didn’t block or delete him, but I don’t know if I would engage him again for any reason.
I haven’t had a crazy night in a while, so the laughing and silliness was fun and definitely helped to relieve some of the tension of the past weeks.
He did follow up with text several days later suggesting I could be his life coach.
God help the person who thinks I have life figured out well enough to coach them!