How to Say Hello

I switch between about 3 different dating apps…Tinder, Bumble, and OK Cupid.  ASV gave me another one called Coffee Meets Bagel but that one seems like a bust.

Bumble tends to put forth the best looking guys, matches are easy enough, and the woman has to write first.  If I match, I say “Hello.”  Every single time.  Mostly, I don’t get responses.

Tinder matches much more frequently than Bumble, and on Tinder, I wait for the guy to write first.  Maybe 1 every 10 men will actually initiate a conversation.

OK Cupid works well for many, but I have found that in my area, it’s mostly the bottom feeders of the dating community.  I finally gave up and cancelled my renewal subscription because I just wasn’t meeting any quality men on OKC.

Coffee Meets Bagel was slow…you only had so many choices a day, and if you wanted more choices you needed to pay extra.  I did pay extra at first to see how it would work (I added beans to my coffee machine).  I chatted with two guys in a month.  And then suddenly, every match turned Asian…wtf?   Did I change my selection preferences or did they suddenly cover the entire city Asian market?  It was the strangest thing.  I have no more beans to pay for matches, I’m not attracted to Asian men, and it’s too slow going for me, so I don’t both with the app anymore.

So, that pretty much leaves Bumble and Tinder, which are mostly the same thing but the aesthetics of Bumble are just a tad better than Tinder.

I match often, matching isn’t a problem.  Hearing from someone, that’s another story entirely.  The other week I  was excited about 2 matches for about 5 minutes because they were just my type on paper and they unmatched me within the day.  Why?  I will never know! Especially when they matched me first!

Anyway, the point of this post…..how best to say “Hello” the first time around?

I know what doesn’t work:

Hey babe

You look like trouble

Want to have a drink?

To be fair, they all worked for me when I first started dating, but I am a tad more evolved now and know better than to entertain those guys!

There have been a couple lately that just make me melt a little:

Hi pretty girl

Hi M, can’t take my eyes off your smile

Hi there, you have the most beautiful, bright eyes….

Then there are the ones that really might be sweet if I didn’t think the men were just crazy to begin with, I mean, guys, this is too much:

Hello Beautiful Angel, You look like a star at night and the brilliant sun of the day

Hi, Look no more text me and let’s get off this site

You are so beautiful and down to earth (how do you know that?!)

I don’t know what happened to just saying “Hello.”  A plain simple hello.  If I like your photo, I will reply.

Maybe I have it wrong, but it seems the easiest way.  When I have to write first on Bumble I will always use their name and something simple: “Hello so-and-so.  Happy Thursday” and keep it straightforward.  If they like my photo, they respond.  Really, it’s easy.

Why does this internet dating thing need to be so ridiculously difficult?

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

22 thoughts on “How to Say Hello”

      1. That’s almost gross here…lol. I think it’s because it’s the city….people want to use the easiest and fastest means to meet. Tinder and Bumble meet those needs.

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  1. I once tried a lot of dating apps and found the women to be flaky, indecisive and, often, downright rude; if you’re on a dating site to get dates, why are you making it so difficult? Almost as a last resort, I did the eHarmony thing; answering all those questions was a pain in the ass – many more questions that any other site would ask – but I wanted to see if this very involved personality test would behave as advertised… and if it was gonna be worth the monthly cost to communicate with matches.

    I have to admit that it worked as advertised – shocking, really, compared to my experiences with those other sites. I met a lot of quality women who knew what they wanted and weren’t afraid to reach out and make contact to see if I had what they wanted. Admittedly, many that contacted me wanted sex and maybe a relationship so, I got laid… a lot… and so much that I started wondering if there would be anyone who wanted to be serious enough to go beyond the sex (not that I complained about any of it, mind you).

    On the day I decided to cancel my membership and literally a minute before I was about to cut eHarmony loose, there was a new contact and I thought hard about whether I wanted to look at it or just ignore it and cancel. I choose to look at it… and the woman who reached out to me is still with me today.

    I don’t know how many men are seriously relationship-minded on these sites, lending to the rep that most sites are just glorified booty call sites. I know that in order to get a woman’s attention, we need game, a set of protocols that, hopefully, will allow us to say the right things so that the women we’re chasing won’t leave us in the dust… and some of us have zero game; we can be rude, uncouth, cheesy, juvenile, and just clueless as we try pickup lines that were ancient, moldy, and decrepit when I was growing up. I figured out that playing word games was a waste of time and effort since there’s no way of knowing what you can say to a woman that will work… except being direct, honest, and truthful about your intentions while being polite and courteous at the same time.

    That approach may not have gotten me a lot of dates; some women didn’t like the idea that I wasn’t going to act like other dudes and fairly beg them for their affections – they wanted to play the game and I wasn’t going there. I did have a lot of quality conversations albeit a high failure rate; during my time on those other sites, I had maybe two dates and no sex – but that was fine since I wanted more than just easy pussy. It winds up being a major disconnect; the game I had to learn growing up because there was no Internet doesn’t quite work in an age where one can hide behind a screen and keyboard and all you have to go on is whatever shows up on the screen and given the Internet’s implied anonminity, the truth is often hard to find and this new game is more about deceit and deception more than anything else… and we, as men, have done little to improve our already tarnished reputation when we respond to women in the way you’ve shared with us.

    Most people don’t fill out their profiles correctly, if at all, which is crazy since that’s the only source of information initially at hand… and you don’t know if you can trust what you’re looking at. In profiles I’ve read, there’s no specificity or when there is, it’s loaded with so much conditional shit (or maddeningly vague) that’s not open to negotiation; I want what I want and in the way I want it and if you can’t precisely give me that, take a hike. Men come off as total jerks, women are flaky, indecisive and, worst, suspicious and paranoid.

    What I wonder is why people want to rely on dating sites and not resort to the old ways of getting a date, like, take your ass out of the house and actually try to meet people face to face? When online, why not leave the bullshit alone and say, with meaning, “Hello, Madeline! Thanks for checking me out and it’s a pleasure to meet you! Now, what can we talk about that’ll get us to meet each other in person?” You still need to communicate clearly and effectively and most of us fail miserably with this…

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    1. OMG- I did the eharmony thing too in frustration! That was WORSE than ANY of the others, hands down! I am amazed you met your wife there…my subscription is for 6 months and I don’t look at it very often but I do go back once a month just to see.

      I think so much of this is area related – this is a major metro area and people want to move fast – not take their time. I did take the time to complete a decent profile which most men don’t read. I know they are paying attention when they actually mention something in a profile. What I find most interesting is that the ones who actually seem the most sincere about dating are generally not a match (according to the algorithms) for me in any way. It’s too much of a red flag when the % is off. I try to stay away from sounding suspicious or paranoid but I totally understand how it happens.

      No one goes out the old way anymore and it’s disconcerting. When we are out with friends in the city – the men (and women) are so busy playing Tinder bingo they are not looking around them. I think it’s because they like the guarantee of meeting someone instead of the potential rejection of walking up to someone face to face and asking.

      All I know is that it is way more complicated than it needs to be – people should be polite and kind to one another, even if they are disinterested they can be polite and kind.

      I also know there are obviously plenty of women out there willing to fall for those pick up lines – I was one of them just last year! There’s plenty of new gullible fish in the sea.

      Thanks for weighing in with so much!! I always respect and appreciate your opinion!

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      1. It surprised both of us, trust me. Still, dating isn’t a numbers game; algorithms are no replacement for gut instinct and in a world where people are all about instant gratification, dating, when used to assess a person’s worth, value, and suitability for a relationship (or even just for sex), takes time that a lot of people don’t want to spend.

        If I wanted to screw you, not only are you expected to agree ASAP but be ready to be screwed immediately if not sooner. Online dating often lacks class, finesse, and common sense and while one’s safety is of great import, if you’re not prepared to take some risks diving into the unknown, why bother using these sites at all?

        If you don’t have a clear purpose, that’s a problem; if you are inflexible, ditto; if you go there and your mind is on what you’re not gonna do, the problems continue. In this, fortune truly favors the bold and nothing ventured, nothing gained makes a lot of sense. Sure, one’s immediate environment can make for very short lists of opportunity… but why not branch out beyond your borders?

        Dating is about expanding one’s horizons and not just being stuck in a singular frame of mind. Inflexibility, that inability to adjust on the fly, flip the script, and make decisions quickly, kills a lot of people who date online only; when you get tunnel vision from focusing only on that which you want, you can’t see what can be done, those things which may be possible with some work.

        We let past failures influence future decisions, a behavior many of us can’t ever seem to stop doing; just because it didn’t work last time doesn’t mean it won’t work this time… yet, we approach dating with this self-defeating mindset, don’t we? We get so worried about avoiding getting hurt that we can make it impossible for someone to date us; even when the prospect looks good, we can ruin things by waiting for the other shoe to drop and, by doing so, unconsciously making sure the dreaded shoe will drop.

        Expectations kills us; the only expectation one should have, in my opinion, is that we will make contact with someone or they with us; whether or not anything will come of it has yet to be seen. You can’t expect (or even demand) that someone you don’t even know is going to interact with you the way you expect.

        Most people who populate dating sites fail and one has to think about why… or I would (and did). It’s not all about what you want; it’s about what two people can potentially do. When I was out there, a ran into a lot of women whose mindset was, “What are you gonna do for me?” and underneath this was the mindset of wanting all of the perks and benefits while doing the least amount of work – and then being insane enough to think that this approach works and sticking with it at every turn.

        Even with the women who were on sites looking for sex, which there’s nothing wrong with that, I found they spent more time making it harder to take them to bed even when it was clear that’s what they wanted to happen. If you let them know you wanted to bone them, they got offended; if you were being nice and not pulling the sex card out yet, they got offended.

        Bottom line: If you’re not willing to take risks, are afraid, inflexible, paranoid, have single-minded tunnel vision, and a lot of other things, if you try to date online, expect to always fail. Few people know the old ways to court and date, Madeline, and if you keep expecting them to know – and to act accordingly – success isn’t going to be friends with you, I’m afraid to say.

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      2. I have a funny story for you. My husband and I were at a hardcore house club in London circa 2001, when this cute guy came up to my husband. He started hitting on him and you know what? My husband was SO NICE to him. He just talked to him, explained we had recently been married. Pointed at me dancing off on the dance floor like, ‘that’s her, that’s my babe’! Anyways, the guy turns to my husband and said, “You know I find you extremely attractive and if you decide to turn gay in the next half hour, I’ll be standing over there.” 😉

        I was cracking up when he later told me the story. The guy was so impressed with how my husband handled the situation and told him so. You know what, it’s so true….everyone needs to be nice to one another. Even if you are rejecting someone, you can still be nice, funny and kind. It’s really not that difficult and yet, I think the single scene (especially now a days) is probably so so hard. Just be genuine and nice to others!!

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  2. “25% of couples meet through online dating” – that is from a Match or eHarmony TV ad. My thought was, “How the f*ck are the other 75% meeting? And, I’m through online dating with those stats!”

    I think perhaps some people use online dating as an excuse. “I am trying to date, but the people online are crap.” I think kdaddy is right that people have to get off their butts and do activities they enjoy so they meet like-minded people to either date or introduce you to soneone.

    Sorry, I think meeting a mature adult is difficult today. I think many of the desired ones are already busy with friends, families and activities so the real-life meeting has better odds.

    As for your intro Hi! Naw, you are better than that. Let’s all come up with 6 snappy openers for M that she can cut & paste as her opener. I’ll think of something and comment later. This could get very fun!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ok, is it me or why can’t you just say something like, “Hi. I’m Madeline. Nice to meet you. Hope you are having a nice day.” Then maybe ask them a simple question? Like if I talked to your best friend, what would they say is the funniest thing you’ve ever done?

    I know this isn’t full of sex appeal but my gosh, can’t people conduct themselves with a bit of formality before heading into full blown sexting territory?!?

    I know…boring. I think I would make a terrible single person in that regard. I need a man to pursue me anyways….

    Dear Alpha,

    Please find me.

    Yours,

    xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha 😂😂😂 I’m going to put that in my profile. That’s funny. I do open with what you said but I don’t add the line after about “something funny”. I figure if they can’t comment on the weather and get a conversation started from a sincere hello then I’m in trouble!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. OK how about?
    1)You looked happy in your photos. Having a good day?

    2)What do you find most attractive about a woman? I relish a great sense of humor and a quick mind in a man.

    Ok those are lame, but I’m still thinking.

    Liked by 1 person

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