The dating thing is really frustrating.
But, luckily, my head is in a different place this time around. I don’t know for sure when I grew up (or grew out of things) but I know I have changed.
Meeting Bobby gave me the freedom of exploration and the exhilaration of doing something new and wild. It was fun while it lasted and I have no regrets for anything I experienced.
Meeting Bennett proved to me I am ready to settle down. That last crazy date was the nail in the coffin I needed. I had fun for a few minutes and then I wanted to escape.
Gone are the desires for a sex club, a threesome or any other sort of non-traditional sexual play. I want one fabulous partner with whom I can have fun with as well as just cozy up next to on the couch and veg if needed. I am not totally certain I am saying “No, never again” but I am feeling the pull of my age and the need to just put it behind me. It’s not because I feel old, it just feels like something I have now grown out of.
I also learned, through numerous conversations on line and on the phone, a better reason why the blue collar men don’t work for me – they don’t think I have enough time to devote to them with 3 children and a career. Several men have now commented that they have a lot of free time on their hands and want their partners to have the same amount of time available. That won’t happen for me for some time, if ever. I feel like I have plenty of time since divorce, but that’s comparing life of a full-time mother of 3 small children to the 70% custodial parent of 3 teenage children who have become mobile. I guess on the outside it appears like more than it is to someone who doesn’t really understand the ages or custody arrangements.
I have also discovered, while I don’t immediately vet a childless man, that it’s the same type of thought process regarding time. They have a lot of time on their hands and only worry about themselves as compared to a parent who feels like they are continually on call and available to their children. One man even said “I don’t care about your kids right now as I get to know you, this is about you and I.” While that statement is true, it also felt unrealistic to me in a sense. My kids are part of me, I like to talk about them, and I am always thinking of them. They pop in and out of conversations. Am I supposed to exclude that while I speak to you? One guy actually rolled his eyes when I told a funny kid story. To me it was comparable to him talking about the 50th marathon he ran, I suppose. In any case, it seems like it’s much harder to find a middle ground that includes me as a woman and me as a momma. I don’t intentionally separate those things, it happens based on circumstance, but I don’t know if I could consciously eliminate speaking about my kids while getting to know someone.
Either way, I am speaking to enough people pre-date to know that my decisions are more sound than they have been in the past. I set my criteria based on what my gut has taught me that I often ignored early on. I used to rush into dates just to keep busy but since I am still a bit depressed, it’s easier to take things more slowly and think about if the man has real long term relationship potential.
There have been a few men that I have connected with and was even a little excited about, but for their own reasons unbeknownst to me, they have disappeared. Everyone is playing the same games in the big city and people are a dime a dozen. It certainly takes patience and fortitude to get through the dating scene.
I have even been asked at least 3 times to hop on a plane: Florida, Dubai and London. Believe me, I was tempted each time, but there was no hesitation to say “let’s meet at home for coffee or a drink,” first. One man even got mad at me for not wanting to try and stating that my previous failures are clouding my future judgement. Yes, he’s right there’s a whole lot of failure helping me to make better decisions, clearly! Maybe one of these days I will even get it right.
At the moment, there are two men on deck. They can come and go as quickly as I write this post. I also know we are running into dating slow season, which is also ok.
I would love to be able to really find a dating partner that I can enjoy the holiday season with, but if I don’t, I’ve lived through it before and will live through it again.